


But the War Won

by gunboots



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, I Don't Even Know, Internal Victim Blaming, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Psychological Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, fade to black mentions of violence, mentions of period-typical homophonia by others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-09 23:37:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6929026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunboots/pseuds/gunboots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you even remember them?" Howard's son asks, arm around his neck, ready to put him down like the mad dog he feels.</p><p>"I remember all of them." Bucky says, as the metal closes tighter and tighter. Tony Stark has no idea how much Bucky DOES remember.</p><p>Particularly of Howard Stark.</p><p>[The Winter Soldier killed the one man who went against orders to help Steve rescue Bucky all those years ago--Bucky tries to cope.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	But the War Won

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't been really into MCU since Winter Soldier and didn't think I'd be back till Civil War turned out to be everything I wanted down to Steve destroying the Avengers just for Bucky . I guess I'm taking a break from writing ~problematic fic~ to write even more PROBLEMATIC fic so there's that. This came from a rewatch of Captain America: The First Avenger, the realization that Howard begs 'Sergeant Barnes' specifically to spare his wife, and how badly this probably messed up Bucky even more even when it wasn't his fault. 
> 
> I don't know, I really don't--this has certainly been done before, but I just have been waiting so long for more of young Howard and just Howard/Steve in fandom and this is what I get I guess even after 5 years. Title is from "Monster Hospital" by Metric.

"Do you even remember them?" Howard's son asks, arm around his neck, ready to put him down like the mad dog he feels.

"I remember all of them." Bucky says, as the metal closes tighter and tighter. Tony Stark has no idea how much Bucky _DOES_ remember.

Particularly of Howard Stark.

There's black swimming at the edge of his vision and Bucky thinks that maybe this is enough for him. That maybe something good will come out of all this mess and Steve will stop setting the world on fire just to keep him safe.

Bucky's only regret is that he spent so little time lucid enough to appreciate the time he had left WITH Steve. But that's ok, he'll see him on the other side. If this is how it ends though--if he can let one of the victims of what he's done find peace...that it's fine.

But then Steve slams into the both of them and saves the day once more even as he destroys the little he has left of the modern world. Of progress.

Of life without Bucky.

+

Steve is helping lead him away, practically carrying him out of the damned Red Room bunker and they're alive but the cost is too great to bear. Even with the serum, Steve's pace is slowed and his breathing is heavy.

Bucky can't say anything to save this, isn't sure he wants to.

The question is still rattling around in his brain, the images are still smeared all over his mind.

He knew Howard Stark and even when the man had recognized him--had begged him on knees to spare his wife, the Winter Soldier had struck.

Howard had saved Steve more than once, Howard had flown the damn plane to get Steve _TO_ him in the first place. It wasn't just Agent Carter and Steve that Bucky owed his life to and he'd...he'd killed the man. Killed him and his wife, can remember the sensation, the screams in his ears.

Bucky tries to swallow around the bile in his throat. His eyes are stinging and he knows it's not just the wind.

Hell won't be enough for him.

"You should have let Stark have his revenge." He finally manages because he hates himself for what he's become, for all the lives in his hands that he'll never be able to replace, for how much of Steve's life he destroyed just by god damn _LIVING_ when he shouldn't have.

"Don't...Don't you fucking dare Buck. Not now. Especially not now." Steve sounds...well, Steve's always got a soft heart and it's probably cutting him up just as much. "I knew Buck--I knew it was you and I still didn't tell him anyway."

" _Christ_ Steve--Howard was your _FRIEND_."

"So are _YOU_." Steve bites it out harshly, and it echoes around them, around the dead bodies and the ghosts of all that's been done. Steve takes another steadying breath and Bucky's mind flickers to images of a frail boy, coughing his lungs out as Bucky desperately tries to get him to stop bleeding. "Things happened to you because of _ME_. All my life you protected me and I failed you _TWICE_ \--they did things to you I couldn't stop and this whole damn mess is because I didn't check a _DAMN RAVINE_ for you."

Hydra had moved fast--there was no way Steve would have gotten there in time. Bucky almost says as much but he knows...knows there is no fucking point. Steve will always keep blaming himself for what happened. Bucky almost hates him for that. Instead he just grows quiet--the least he can do is give...Steve this. It's a shit apology or replacement for the ruins of his life but Bucky can at least give him this.

"...Ok."

+

On the ride back, T'Challa tries to apologize for almost killing Bucky. Bucky's mouth strains to an almost smile out of politeness. He murmurs something that must put the King at ease because he nods even if he looks concerned. Steve is helping lead a rescue mission for the rest of the people who decided to join his martyr cause, so there's only silence as Bucky leans against the interior of T'challa's private jet and thinks.

And remembers all he can about Howard Stark.

Howard Stark used to wink at Bucky whenever he would stop by to collect Steve from the SSR labs. He used to tell bawdy jokes and wear expensive suits under his labcoat like he always had something to god damn prove. Hell, the man even bought Bucky and Steve drinks whenever he was able to actually leave the labs.

Howard Stark used to openly watch men and women with the same sort of assured amusement that he was safe. Too rich and too isolated for anyone to say anything, even when he would turn his looks on Captain America and delight in the way Steve would turn red. He’d always back off whenever Bucky was around, just waggle a brow almost in challenge before turning on his heel with the complete confidence of a man who had the world in his damned pocket.

Howard wasn’t the greatest guy—tended to be the same kind of ass that on any other occasion would’ve turned his nose up at them. Howard Stark could also be a prick more often than not but the fact remained that Howard was still better than most.

Howard kept them safe, kept Steve fucking safe and this was the god damn thanks he got. Bucky closes his eyes, tries not to think about the way the man had looked at him then. How old he'd looked, how fucking desperate he'd looked--how Bucky had never EVER seen Howard Stark on his fucking knees even.

Bucky tries to think of Steve’s determination to keep him close to balance the acid that feels like is filling his lungs, of the pure need Steve’s had this entire time just to keep him. Bucky’s all that Steve fucking ever had and now he’s worse than ever but Steve will do anything for him and Bucky couldn’t even do the fucking same.

Bucky tries to block out the sound of Howard's voice on loop in between his ears, tries not to think of just how much Tony Stark sounded like his father.

Steve will be back at 0400, but Bucky's not sure even he can make the voices stop. 


End file.
